Putin Seeks Russian Membership in Big Ten
MOSCOW — Russian President Vladimir Putin today put forth a suggested resolution to the war in Ukraine. He has offered a ceasefire and a withdrawal of troops in exchange for Russian membership in the Big Ten for its sports programs.
When American athletic directors unanimously expressed skepticism, Putin said, "Look, don't give me any of this "Russia doesn't belong in the Big Ten" bullshit. You know as well as I that the Big Ten long ago gave up its identity as a coalition of Midwestern land grant universities. Now it's all about the dollars and the TV contracts. If Rutgers can be in the Big Ten, then so can Russia. We are well aware that UCLA and USC are planning on joining next year. So what difference does it make if Moscow State University joins? C'mon, I'll even let that lady basketball player out of prison to sweeten the deal. We want the Bolshoy Dyesit, we want the Big Ten."
Kevin Warren, commissioner of the Big Ten, said that Russian teams are not welcome because their sports teams are not compatible. "Russia has a long history of cheating, er, I mean playing sports at a very high level. But they play soccer, gymnastics, ice skating, and hockey. That's it. No American football, no basketball. I'm sorry, the answer is no."
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskiy asked the Big Ten to reconsider its decision. "If the Big Ten lets Russia in, then Ukraine can start to heal and rebuild. And then, when we have gotten back up on our feet, I would like to suggest that Karazin University in Kharkiv be the next one to join the Big Ten."
UPDATE: Russian President Vladimir Putin has threatened American sports programs with attacks if Russian teams are not allowed to join the Big Ten. "University of Michigan, that's a beautiful stadium you have there in Ann Arbor. It would be a shame if something happened to it."
When American athletic directors unanimously expressed skepticism, Putin said, "Look, don't give me any of this "Russia doesn't belong in the Big Ten" bullshit. You know as well as I that the Big Ten long ago gave up its identity as a coalition of Midwestern land grant universities. Now it's all about the dollars and the TV contracts. If Rutgers can be in the Big Ten, then so can Russia. We are well aware that UCLA and USC are planning on joining next year. So what difference does it make if Moscow State University joins? C'mon, I'll even let that lady basketball player out of prison to sweeten the deal. We want the Bolshoy Dyesit, we want the Big Ten."
Kevin Warren, commissioner of the Big Ten, said that Russian teams are not welcome because their sports teams are not compatible. "Russia has a long history of cheating, er, I mean playing sports at a very high level. But they play soccer, gymnastics, ice skating, and hockey. That's it. No American football, no basketball. I'm sorry, the answer is no."
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskiy asked the Big Ten to reconsider its decision. "If the Big Ten lets Russia in, then Ukraine can start to heal and rebuild. And then, when we have gotten back up on our feet, I would like to suggest that Karazin University in Kharkiv be the next one to join the Big Ten."
UPDATE: Russian President Vladimir Putin has threatened American sports programs with attacks if Russian teams are not allowed to join the Big Ten. "University of Michigan, that's a beautiful stadium you have there in Ann Arbor. It would be a shame if something happened to it."